I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
