What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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