someone get that fucking seahorse.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize