i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
