either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
