I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
