That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
