I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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