I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
