I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize