Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The beer is more important than you right now.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
