Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
