Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
