You can't motorboat a personality
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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