you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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