I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
