i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
