woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
