I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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