i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
