sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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