I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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