I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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