i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
