You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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