a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you will always have a special place in my vag
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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