I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
