i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
