I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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