woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
