just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
