You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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