I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
