If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
