my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
