You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize