I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
