I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
