First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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