so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
