Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
