"it" just moved
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
