I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
