I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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