mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
