Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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