My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize