i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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