its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
