So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
