you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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