Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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