I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
