words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
