remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i barfeds in our rink
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
