She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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