I am midnight drunk by noon
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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