I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize