I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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